One Size Fits All (Or- Harder-Better-Faster-Stronger)
by Grimmalkerie
Summary: No one messes up a secret identity. There's magic laced in his suit, and his miraculous (her suit and her miraculous technically- can't forget he's borrowing it after all) powerful stuff that's supposed to prevent against things like this, and naturally, naturally he ruins it on the first day. (ML Ultimate Anon Challange, Ladybug!Kim and Chat Noir! Alix, T for mild swearing.)


**A/N now that The Ultimate Guess Who Challenge has been completed, I am finally able to post my fic in public.  
**

 **So here it is! My lovely, messy, part-of-the-reason-i'm-not-finished-with-confessions-yet entry in it's entirety.**

* * *

Kim doesn't need luck.

Alix needs luck, Max needs luck, Ivan and Mylene and Rose need luck. Heck, he'd even throw in Sabrina and Chloe too, and Marinette definately (The amount of times she's tripped in the last month has gotta be a personal record or something) but Kim? Nah. He runs faster than half these Akuma jokers, and like, they know it, he knows it, Hawkmoth knows it- why even need a miraculous? It's like, an unfair advantage and stuff. Gotta give the participation trophies to the other kids every now and again to boost their esteem.

Like okay. Big responsibility. Protecting Paris and all that. He gets that. He's honored. He's shocked, he's confused out of his mind.

For starters there's that whole dark cupid thing from a while back… doesn't that disqualify him or something? And who even chose him? Are there like, talent scouts or something? Some guy pulling the strings and handpicking his own personal faves for his own ultra elite fighting force?

This whole thing feels like a fever dream anyways. Mystical superpowers and magic bugs. Who would have ever frikkin guessed.

Yeah but like… wouldn't he be an idiot to pass up an opportunity like this?

After all, Lady luck literally knocks on his door, and she's small enough to land in the palm of his hand which is pretty cool he guesses but isn't there already a Ladybug? Like what happened to her? Why isn't she jumping around in red and black spandex fighting crime?

"Flu." Says the kwami unabashedly. (it's short for Quantic God, she says. My name is Tikki she says. It's only until she gets back on her feet she says.) "It's been a rough week… but don't worry! Ladybug will be Ladybug again soon!"

Which okay, makes sense. Like, half the class has been out sick already, and he could have sworn he saw Chat Noir faceplant into a building the other day. (Kim's almost certain Chat got back up but like, he wouldn't be surprised if he just stayed there) So maybe it's sort of valid that if Chat's out of commision then Ladybug can be too.

Still this whole thing's only making Kim frown harder. Like, something isn't quite adding up, which is funny cause like, he does pretty well in math.

He looks at the earrings, then at Tikki, and back at the earrings.

"My eyes aren't pierced though. You sure I can't be Chat?"

Like he totally doesn't need luck or anything. And Ladybug is amazing and all but Chat Noir is seriously awesome. Leaping around Paris, slick ass suit, it's great.

Tikki smiles but it's strained. "I'm sure you'll make a great superhero!" She squeaks. "And don't worry- we can fix that!"

She looks so earnest that he kind of has to go with it. Besides Miraculous are probably like, super mega once-in-a-lifetime sorta deals. He kind of has to? Like, cool powers and a sweet suit. What's the worst that could happen?

* * *

Piercings hurt like a bitch. He wishes he hadn't asked.

Hopes his mom doesn't ask at all.

(She's so gonna kill him- like he's so dead it's barely even funny.)

* * *

"Don't you want me to tell you how everything works?" Tikki asks.

"Nah." Says Kim. He's jogging in place a little, barely able to keep still. "I think I got it. Secret identities,cool powers, don't let Hawkmoth get the miraculous."

She looks at him with that same smile. Like she's frustrated with him or something. (It's kind of funny. Reminds him of a very very exasperated Rose- if Rose were a tiny flying bug god or something. )

"I suppose that's close enough…" She says, almost to herself. "Are you sure you've got this?"

* * *

Spandex suits Kim well.

He doesn't expect it to- normally it clings to his skin and stretches weird and doesn't hold sweat well, but it's surprisingly breathable, and damn, does it look good on him.

(Like so maybe he had pulled a Chloe and posed in the mirror for a bit, but he's a fine looking guy alright? Nothing wrong with that.)

And the yoyo!

So like It takes him a couple tries to get the hang of it but once he does…. Holy frick… he thought he was fast before.

His Miraculous (Ladybug's Miraculous) starts beeping, but he ignores it. Probably like a point system or something. (Okay even he knows that's stupid. It's probably just a way of monitoring Akuma in the area. Like a tracking device or sonor or something. He wishes he could ask Max about it, like holy shit he'd have a field day with this kinda tech. Like Tikki says it's magic, but like, she also says she's some sort of god and there's no way he's falling for that. He's seen too many episodes of Ancient Aliens to be able to recognize this kind of BS.)

So anyways- the beeping.

It's loud. It's annoying. It's distracting as fuck.

And okay so it wouldn't be so bad if it weren't literally coming from his earrings, and pinging straight into his ears, and maybe if every time he thinks it's gone it didn't decide it was gonna beep even louder? Like literally a minute later? Like no wonder Ladybug doesn't stick around after a fight. She's probably downing a painkiller and going somewhere quiet to close her eyes.

(If he actually had some sort of idea of how to transform, if it wasn't so goddamn awesome just swinging over the collège, then maybe he'd consider taking a short break and letting it… recharge or something? Stop pinging?)

And suddenly it does. Stop beeping that is.

There's gotta be some kind of irony in all of this, because one second he's flying, and another he's falling fast, Ladybug's suit stripping itself from his body and the yoyo blinking out of existence, and then he's Kim again.

And he's managed to faceplant on the roof of all places.

In front of Alix.

* * *

No one fucks up a secret identity.

There's magic laced in his suit, and his miraculous (her suit and her miraculous technically- can't forget he's borrowing it after all) powerful stuff that's supposed to prevent against things like this, and naturally, naturally he ruins it on the first day. Can't make something like this up.

He's such an idiot.

So now, Alix is staring at him and he's kind of staring back, and there's these kill bill sirens going off in his head, and also his heart is seriously pounding against his ribcage and maybe it's panic (which it probably is) but also maybe it's something else and all he really knows is that he's royally fucked.

And then she starts laughing. Actually laughing. At him, like this is some kind of joke or something.

His face is on fire at this point. Like it's long since turned red, and it's not just some cutesy rosy blush or anything like that no it is actually burning.

"It'snotwhatitlookslike!" He says, practically spits it out it's so rushed, but Alix only doubles over laughing harder. Like some sort of joke.

"I can't- I can't believe you got your ears pierced. Like- like actually pierced." She says, standing over him and looking frustratingly smug."This is too good. They didn't give you pigtails too did they?"

She reaches out her hand but he stands up without her help, brushing himself off and standing up way too straight because if he isn't actually calm he sure as hell is gonna act like he is.

"Hey." Says Kim, running his fingers through his hair smugly. "Like I get it- star athlete, super hero, it's only natural to be a little starstruck."

"What- like it's hard? Some magic kwami gives you a pair of earrings and suddenly you're something special?" She says, then freezes, the color draining from her face.

"Shit." She says. "You weren't supposed to hear that."

She retracts her hand, but not before he spots the ring on her hand.

"No way." He whispers incredulously. "You? You're replacement Chat Noir?"

"So what." She says, but she's slipped up- oh god she's slipped up. "You're Ladybug."

Because no- there's no way that Alix-Alix of all people would be parading around Paris in a black leather catsuit with a bell and a tail and little leather kitty ears. There's just no way.

See Kim makes sense. He might not actually need one (He could outrun an akuma anytime-anyplace) but at least red sort of fits him.

Alix though? As Chat Noir? Nah. Whoever thought that Alix should have that much power is on something strong. She's too hotheaded and arrogant and irresponsible. Just doesn't work.

But isn't that what he thought?

About himself?

And then he's laughing too. Because this whole mess is so totally fucked, because somewhere, somehow a very sick Ladybug and a very sick Chat Noir decided that they were hand over their miraculouses to a pair of competition obsessed jocks. Like not to hate on how awesome it is, but it sounds like the punchline of a poorly timed joke.

"I bet I could still beat you." He says, a few minutes later.

She stares at him. Blinks. And then she's grinning.

"You're on." Alix says. "Any day, any time."

* * *

So maybe this isn't real. Maybe he was right from the start, and he's actually passed out somewhere or delirious, running a high fever and with a cool compress on his forehead. Or maybe it is-real that is. Maybe it's fate or something.

Maybe this is only a temporary thing too.

He looks at Alix out of the corner of his eye, dressed in Chat Noir black, and gives Ladybug's yoyo (his yoyo- temporary or not) an experimental swing. Then… ready, set, go and they're off.

They leave Paris behind in the dust.


End file.
